So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
