did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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