I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
