i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I just googled if crying burns calories
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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