when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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