the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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