Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
