I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
