just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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