No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I have aggressive nipples.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
