apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
