he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize