my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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