Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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