i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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