if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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