I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
