rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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