he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
