I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
