I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Randomize
