Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
