My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
