We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
