Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
