Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
