and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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