You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
