my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
