sorry about calling you the devil all night.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
