When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
