please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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