farters have to be the big spoon...
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
