Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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