I accidentally had phone sex last night
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
