im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Sorry about my life...
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
