Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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