ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
