It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
