You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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