Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
