it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Drunk is not a location!
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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