some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
4 words: hood of his car
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
