I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
