so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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