I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
