how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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