I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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