We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
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