That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
