I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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