it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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