I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
