fuck your aforementioned shoe
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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