i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
