i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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