it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
