hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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