I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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